Being labeled as infertile or as having PCOS quite honestly sucks. There are so many emotions, obstacles, and frustrations that come along with these words. This post is how my husband and I have come to terms with our troubles while trying to conceive as well as encouragement we have found. For a while I let these problems define me. The words PCOS and infertility were what I would have put on a label to describe myself. I felt this way for well over a year. We are on two years of trying to conceive and some months have been harder than others. Today, I would not use PCOS and infertility as words to define me, I would say that I am strong, I am courageous, I am determined, I am educated on my obstacles, I am kinder and I am patient. Now, while saying all that, it doesn’t mean that I don’t still struggle. I do. Today I had a rough day and some of these labels were on my mind. Later this week I will have a post regarding the struggle I face the most- Fear. Be on the lookout for it in a day or two.
I am a failure. This is one of the first labels I put on myself and of the biggest troubles I have had with this journey. As a woman, we are told that we can be a wife, a daughter, an aunt, a sister, and a mother. For many women, there comes a time when babies are on the brain and the desire to become a mother is almost overwhelming. That day came for me two years ago almost to the day. As the months have gone by and I have gotten negative test after negative test (both ovulation and pregnancy test wise), there have been months where I really did feel like less of a woman. I should be able to make my husband a father, to make myself a mother. I mean, it’s in my basic biology! My husband told me many times that what we were going through was not my fault, but how was I actually supposed to feel that it was true? How was I supposed to feel like anything other than a failure? I asked him how he would have felt if his tests would have come back saying that the obstacles we were facing were due to a problem with him. He thought about it for a little while and then told me that he would have felt exactly what I was feeling. That’s when it clicked for me. Because while waiting for my husband’s test results a year ago, he was afraid the problems were with him. He felt like a failure and not for one second did I ever consider him a failure. It would not have been his fault. It would not have been something that he could control and work harder for. My husband opening up to me and being honest with what he felt while we were waiting for answers is what opened my eyes. I hope that any couple, woman, or man reading this and feeling that same way knows that it isn’t you. You are not less of a woman or a man because there is an obstacle in the way of starting your family. If your problems are coming from your spouse, it isn’t his or her fault either! It is just an obstacle to lead us down a different path. A path that God has planned out. The path may not be smooth and it may be full of heartbreak, but it will be the right path. John 13:7 says, “Jesus answered and said to him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but you will know after this.” Being labeled with PCOS, infertility, and as having a miscarriage are all things that I don’t understand and I may never understand, but God is preparing me for something. I am not a failure. I am strong and I am determined.
I am Sad. Through this journey, I have also felt sadness. Sadness over the possibility of never getting to experience a pregnancy, of never experiencing giving birth, and of never experiencing my baby kick me or hiccup. That is a scary thought. A thought that does on occasion come up still, but not as much as it used to. My husband and I have come to terms that if we are unable to have a successful pregnancy, there are other ways we can start a family and we are open to other avenues. As someone desiring to be a mother though, I do desire to experience pregnancy. I desire all aspects of pregnancy- feeling the baby kick, hearing the baby’s heartbeat- as well as the not so exciting- morning sickness, the fear of delivery. Coming to terms with not being able to have those experiences may be the hardest thing for me to let go of if my husband and I do decide to pursue other avenues but I will not label myself as sad any longer. I will be courageous and I will be fearless and I am a mother already to our angel Riley.
I am lonely. I have felt like there was no one to talk to. For a while, I did not realize the online communities that are available and I felt alone. When I feel like this now, I turn to the women I have met via Ovia as well as to my Bible. There is a page that I am steadily adding more and more verses to . It is under photo gallery and then Inspirational Verses for Infertility. I encourage you to save these for your down days and to write them down, highlight them in your Bible, whatever you need to do. If you go to resources under Our Journey with Infertility, I also have a 31 day Bible Study that I recently found for infertility. I have not yet started it but plan on posting my daily thoughts on it as soon as I start it within the next week or two at most. I will no longer be lonely, I will be here to encourage and to be encouraged.
I am hopeless and lost. At times, I feel hopeless and I have felt lost. Any couple on this journey is bound to feel hopeless at sometime. Ladies who may be reading this, keep in mind that your husband may actually be feeling a lot of the emotions that you are feeling. If you are feeling hopeless, pray and pray for your husband. This is a journey that can seem impossible, but it isn’t necessarily impossible. Keep your head up and keep trying. Plug into a group at your church, online, on your fertility app, or via the blogs. I am finding that there are several of blogs like mine out there to offer encouragement and advice. If you feel like you are overwhelmed by it all, take a break. Just be sure that you and your spouse are on the same page and if he needs a break, take a break! Being immensely stressed out won’t do you any favors. I am so thankful that I have been open with my family and that I have the husband I have. On my tough days he helps to pick me up. I will not be hopeless and lost, I am educated and I am patient.
Stay tuned for a continuation of this post dealing with the fear that I have felt.