Betrayed By My Own Body

When a woman has a miscarriage,  she inevitably is going to feel as though her body betrayed her.  I am a woman.  My sole purpose in life isn’t to concieve and give birth.  I am not defined by whether or not I have children.  It is, however, my desire to have children,  to grow the family that I already have.  It’s something my husband can’t do for me. It’s something my body is designed to be able to do. Being pregnant and having a child are things I desire.  Something that I want so bad that some days it hurts more than I can imagine.  It’s something that my body struggles with. Some days, it makes me feel like my own body betrayed me.

When going through infertility it is easy to feel as though you are less of a woman because you struggle.  When you have a miscarriage it is not uncommon at all to feel betrayed by your body.  This is something I struggled with greatly with my first miscarriage.  I am struggling with it to am extent this time as well but not in the same way.

With the loss of Riley,  I felt as though I was betrayed by my body and I felt straight up anger.  I was angry because I felt as though I could not do a basic action that as a woman I am designed for.  It took a few months of drowning in that anger before I started to realize that while my body betrayed me,  this was a start.  Riley gave me hope.  Hope that one day I would concieve again but would have enough knowledge with what was wrong with my body to prevent another loss.  My body betrayed me,  but it also gave me a blessing,  Riley.  Those short few days filled mine and my husband’s heart with so much love.  A love for someone I have not met yet,  but will be reunited with one day and a baby that I think about regularly.

Fast forward nine months,  the same month that was my due date for Riley, and I concieve again.  We knew the deficiencies my body has and immediately began taking progesterone shots to boost my low levels.  I was told everything looked good,  not to worry,  and it seemed everything would be okay.  It was just moments after an ultrasound where the doctor and I both felt relieved and happiness over my progress that everything suddenly changed.  Receiving news that I would once again miscarry when I hadn’t even miscarried yet made me feel once again betrayed by my body.  It took so long between recieving the news and actually miscarrying that I had built up hope,  and didn’t fully feel betrayed by my body for a few weeks.  After all, it hadn’t happened yet- maybe they were wrong.  On the day I lost Oakley, I sat in that bathroom,  what was left of my baby in my hands sobbing and feeling more betrayed than ever by my body.  I felt as though my one job was to protect my baby and I couldn’t,  not even in my own body.  That feeling is by far the worst feeling I have ever experienced.  It is painful,  sad,  scary,  frustrating,  and unfair. Even today,  two months later,  almost to the day,  I still feel betrayed on occasion.  Once again though, in my bodies betrayal I received a blessing.  I had days of happiness,  love,  and excitement in my heart.  My bodies betrayal led to another diagnosis,  a diagnosis that will hopefully be the last piece of the puzzle.  A diagnosis that will hopefully lead to my rainbow baby with a healthy pregnancy.  A rainbow baby will have two angels watching over him or her.

If you are going through a miscarriage,  you are not alone.  It’s understandable to feel as though your body betrayed you.  Always remember though, that betrayal can give you great blessings if you simply change your point of view. It’s not easy to forgive ourselves for the loss of a child during pregnancy but it’s something we should do.  I have to remind myself often,  it isn’t my fault, I didn’t choose for this to happen, I’m still a mother but a mother to an angel,  there is hope, I did everything within my ability to keep my baby safe,  and most importantly- I CAN forgive myself and I SHOULD forgive my body.  I have to forgive my body. If I do not, I’m afraid guilt and grief would just eat me from the inside out.   God designed me the way I’m supposed to be.  He has a plan for the difficult path I’ve been on and the losses I’ve endured. I may not know his plan or understand it, but I do have some peace in knowing that there is a reason for everything.

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