Psalm 56: 8, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” (NLT). This verse is one that my mom sent to me last year, a week after I lost Riley. Today, it is one year and four days since I lost Riley and just days shy of two months since I lost Oakley.
This morning I got am e-mail from Enfamil congratulating me on my second trimester. About a month ago, i received belly badges in the mail. I updated my account to show I was no longer pregnant but it apparently hasn’t updated Yet. Today hurts. Today hurts more Than other days. Right now I should have a baby in my arms and I should be in my 16th week of pregnancy with Oakley. Some days, today being one of those, these losses feel like my goliath. They feel like something I can’t get past no matter how hard I try. On some days, I feel like I have cried so many tears that there is no way I have any left. I have cried over a loss that happened unexpectedly. I have cried over a loss that I was told would happen. I have cried because someone kindly asks the question, “do you have children.” I have cried because I feel as though my body betrayed me. I have cried from loneliness. I have cried tears of anger. I have cried tears from sheer grief. I have cried from walking into a room that was going to be a nursery. I have cried visualizing the children I will never meet while I am on Earth. I have cried, and I have had many tears fall.
What can give me comfort in my tears? Knowing that God hears every cry I have, he keeps all of my tears, and knows the thoughts behind each one. That is an amazing thought when you really think about it. God knows what every tear I have cried is for.
Another verse to bring me comfort is Proverbs 3: 5-8. Those verses say, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh, And strength to your bones.” In the past week, I have had a weak heart. I have been hurt and scared. I have been trying to understand my situation not through God’s eyes but through my own. I am imperfect, and I am going to have times where I feel low, all of us are. What matters is how we take hold of that fear. Taking ahold of fear is what I am struggling with right now as many others that I know going through infertility are. Some say, just let go and let it happen. I want to assure you, I have let go and what happens, happens, but that does not mean that from time to time I will not be fearful or sad.
That fear that I have felt through these situation, I can only explain as occurring because I miss my both of my babies. I will never fully know God’s plan for me and I may never understand why Riley and Oakley are gone, but as Proverbs 3: 5-8 said, “lean not in your own understanding“. Psalm 56: 8 helps me to see that while I may feel forgotten and down, I am not. He is hearing each cry and holding onto each tear of mine. That is so refreshing and it is truly amazing.
Psalm 73: 26 says, “My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” This verse ties right back into everything I feel I have said in this post. I will fail, my heart will fail. God, however, can help me to be strong and courageous. Why do I keep trying to be strong on my own? I don’t have to be alone in this. There are other women who know these feelings, there are family members for me to talk to, and there is God for me to share my burden with. I feel that if I do that, I will feel strong again and I can feel peace again.