Since I have been away from blogging for a time, I feel that the best place to start is right where I left of. Last post I made was what we were doing in our 29th month of trying to conceive. As a refresher, we were taking vitamin B6 as a means to boost my progesterone levels, mucinex to improve my cervical mucus, metformin, and HCG shots for four alternating days AFTER my peak ovulation date. Month 29 proved to be quite interesting. Both myself and my husband felt overwhelmed with mother’s day and with father’s day approaching. I was exhausted from new medications, planning everything so carefully, and being sure to track everything so that we and the doctors had accurate information. My husband and I discussed multiple times throughout the month and decided to take a break. Every once in a while through this journey it is good to just stop, breathe, and spend time together. We sat down with my doctor on June 6, 2017 and discussed this with him. He agreed that if this is how we felt, then we needed to take a break and many times couples have more success when coming back from a break in trying. I also had been having an ongoing wrist injury since April 19, 2017 that doctors were not able to find the cause of yet. This was causing me a lot of pain and stress. We decided to keep the medications going (after all, we didn’t want my cycle getting crazy off yet again during this break) and keep some minor charting just to be sure everything was staying normal.
On June 15 I realized that I was a week late for my cycle. I was avoiding the thoughts of trying to conceive so much that I didn’t even realize it. I assumed that when I took a test I would get another negative and my cycle was most likely messed up because of the stress with my wrist pain, work, and just ttc in general. On the night of June 16 I took a test. Much to my surprise, it was positive. I told my husband and he had the same expression as me, disbelief. There was no way that of all the months, this was the month we got pregnant. We didn’t really try that hard, my cervical mucus was ok but not great, and we just decided to take a break! Saturday morning, I took another. It was positive. That night, another and same result. My husband and I both debated on whether we should be excited about this or hold our emotions in until a doctor confirmed just in case we miscarried again. After much discussion, we decided not to let the fear of another miscarriage take away the happiness and excitement that we both felt in that moment. All that would due is put more un-needed stress on myself and our rainbow baby. Father’s day was an exciting day as we did decide to tell our parents of our news. It blows my mind how I had been having so many symptoms but didn’t realize that I was in fact pregnant until after the doctor confirmed it- nausea, my smell had been crazy sensitive, among other symptoms.
On Monday, I went for confirmation at the doctors office and they said that I was definitely pregnant. They gave me a due date of February 17 and said that I was 5 weeks and 1 day. They took blood work and ordered a progesterone test due to my history of low progesterone both during and out of pregnancy. When the results came back my progesterone was low at 4.1 but they felt that we shouldn’t worry yet. That actually was the highest my levels have EVER been. Prior to that, my highest level was a 1.97. I began that day taking progesterone shots. If you have ever had one, you know that those are easily the worst shots known to mankind. They take an eternity to get in due to the thickness of them, they hurt, and they bruise big time. A few days later we did more blood work to get hcg count and repeat progesterone. Our first ultrasound to see the baby and heartbeat was also scheduled for June 29. I had some discomfort over the weekend of June 23rd so on Monday the 25th the doctors decided to do our ultrasound early and be sure everything was okay due to our history of a prior miscarriage. There was no blood seen and the did find the gestational sac. No heartbeat or fetal pole but it was still early and everything looked right on track. It was just moments later that it all changed.
The doctor I saw was so excited for me and talking about tips for our insurance appointment coming up, the heartbeat appointment, and our first big visit when lab techs pulled her outside. She came back in with the look that I remember from our first miscarriage with Riley and said that my progesterone levels were great at 12.4 but my HCG had dropped. She said it was possible for them to go back up, but we wouldn’t know for a few more days after repeat blood work. During this span of time, we continued progesterone shots while going for blood work every other day. On June 28, 2017 both of my hips had swelled up to the point that I could not even pull a skirt over them and they were in a great deal of pain. I went in to see the doctor and they decided that I was having a delayed reaction to the shots and needed to stop them. We would instead switch to a suppository form of progesterone (we had taken this in the past but I get leg cramps with these). They did more blood work and advised to keep our appointment for the 29th to hear the heartbeat. At about 4:30 that afternoon, however, we were called and told that my HCG had plummeted even more and that we should expect a miscarriage. All of our future appointments were cancelled and we were told to call back when I started bleeding.
I will make another post about getting news of an impending miscarriage- the emotions both me and my husband felt and how we got through it to the best of our ability. On July 4 I began having pain, some minor contracting, and minor bleeding. I took off work on the 5th and called my doctor. I remembered trying to go to work when I had my last miscarriage and that was the last place I wanted to be when this happened to me. My doctor advised to give it a few days and then call if things got worse. By July 7, I still had not fully started miscarrying and pain was getting worse. My doctor had me come into the office to get an ultrasound and discuss what was happening. I couldn’t look at the ultrasound knowing that what I was seeing I would soon lose. The tech was very kind and showed sympathy for what was going on and did the ultrasound then took me back to my doctor. He advised that the sac had stopped growing at 5 weeks but was concerned that I had been spotting for so many days and having significant pain but was had not miscarried yet. My husband and I went home with a D&C scheduled for Monday morning if I had not passed it yet. That night, I lost our baby. After 9 days of waiting for one of the worst things to happen, it happened. My miscarriage start to finish lasted 13 days.
I write these blogs for two reasons. One reason being that it truly helps me to heal. I have always loved writing and it is my way to escape from the weight of the world around me. This is the place that I can write what I am feeling and get it all off of my chest. I also write this blog for other women who are going through what I have been through. What helped me the most when we lost our first, Riley, was the other women who opened up to me about the most devastating thing that happened to them just to help me. To help me realize that I am not alone. These things that I feel that make me feel like I am crazy sometimes, are things that others experience and feel. Even if this post helps only one other woman to realize she is not alone and her thoughts, emotions, and feelings are normal responses, then that makes sharing something so difficult worth it.
Future posts will include:
News of Impending Miscarriage
Naming our baby- Why we choose to do this and the name we chose
Surviving another loss
Post Miscarriage Doctors Appt & Testing