It has been one year since our loss of Riley. 365 days of missing our angel. Right now, I should have a baby in my arms. I don’t though. Instead, I have an angel watching over me. I have an angel that I can’t wait to finally meet one day.
This past year, there have been days of absolute grief. There have been days where thinking about our loss makes it difficult to get out of bed. There have been days where I was angry at God for taking my baby away. There have been days where I was encouraged by other women going through the same day. There have been days where I felt nothing but pure joy at those few days I had with nothing but pure joy at the knowledge that I was finally pregnant.
When we conceived Riley, we had been trying to conceive for 1 year and 6 months. We had begun seeing a fertility specialist at our clinic and we did know at this point that I had PCOS and a progesterone deficiency. My husband and I only had five days from the time we found out I was pregnant to the time we lost the baby, but those five days are full of nothing but happy memories and joy.
Yesterday is the day we actually miscarried, today is the day that it was doctor confirmed. This week and these two days are difficult. I can’t help but remember the physical and emotional pain I was going through at this time last year. I can’t help but think about how angry I was and think about how I have much more peace towards our loss at this time. I think of John 16:33. This verse simply says, “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” Don’t get me wrong, I still have days in which I struggle with our loss. I still have days in which I feel grief and I have days in which I let a little bit of anger seep in. Most days, I can head those feelings off by thinking of this verse. That was a tribulation that I have gone through. It is something that God helped me get through. It is something that has happened in my life and in ways has made me a stronger woman. It has given me the opportunity to be helped by other women and to help other women. The loss of Riley, my first pregnancy, my first child, my first angel- shaped me to be the woman I am today. I have two charms on my Brighton charm bracelet for Riley. I have a framed picture that my husband and I made that says “Sometimes the smallest footprints leave the biggest impression on one’s heart” with Riley’s name and the date we found out we were pregnant. I choose to use those things to remember my baby and that brings me great comfort.
Riley will never leave my mind. I will always remember the fleeting days of joy that I had and I will cherish that memory in particular. I won’t let this consume me again. Instead, I will use this to strengthen myself and help others to get through this difficult process, to realize that you don’t have to go through a pregnancy loss alone.