A group in our town has a memorial wall at the hospital that has the names of babies lost through still birth, miscarriage, or infant loss. When I told my husband about this, he and I both agreed that we wanted a place to be able to go to and think about and see our babies gone much too soon. I got a text early last week with a picture of the wall. On October 1, 2017, we went to the hospital and saw our babies names in person. The wall was so much more beautiful than I expected and it brought so many emotions to light.
I lost both of my babies in the first trimester of my pregnancies and in two very different manners, but that does not change how I feel about my losses. I feel like a much different person now. I am a mother to two angels. Two angels that I can’t wait to be reunited with and two angels that I miss every day. I had to take a step back this past month because my grief was honestly taking hold of me in a bad way. I needed time to grieve and cope. I work with the public and encounter children on a daily basis in a public library. Just last night, I was asked if I had any children. In my heart, I said yes, and many times when people ask in one on one conversation, I do answer that I have two children that I lost in pregnancy. This time I did not, I just politely said not at the moment because her two young children were there. Every other time someone has asked me this question, I felt such anger and jealousy. Last night, there was no anger. The woman looked at me and said, “You will make a great mother one day. You really pay attention to these children and you seem to care.” I had never met this woman. I can only view that encounter as a blessing from God and a result of my own personal reflection and attitude change. That woman will probably never know how much that comment meant to me, and gave me a little bit of hope
Over this past month, I have tried to stop feeling so angry and jealous at every pregnancy announcement and every birth announcement. I have made a conscious effort to stop the thoughts of being a failure, to stop the jealousy, and to realize that I will have my rainbow baby when GOD wants me to and when GOD feels I am ready. Now, when I see these announcements, I am noticing I feel more peace and I feel genuinely happy for the new parents. I’m not saying I still don’t feel sad sometimes, because I do. I always will. I have lost two babies that I already loved with all my heart, was planning a future for, and changing my life for. I can allow myself to live my life in a more positive way though. I think that my husband and I taking this step helped me more than I ever could have imagined. This wall gives me a place to have my losses acknowledged, remembered, and a place where I can go and see my babies, sit with them, and talk to God. I feel that hope again. A hope that I haven’t felt these last few months. A hope that one day, I will have children here with me.