If you have experienced a miscarriage, you have more than likely had comments filled with love and support and you have had comments that are hurtful and at times insulting. This post is a continuation of Words that Hurt and these deal specifically with comments I and other couples have encountered. Again I will say this, if anyone is reading this and is not dealing with infertility but have said some of the below statements to someone with infertility, DO NOT FREAK OUT. The statements below are some that do hurt worse than the ones in part one. If you have said any of these before, just keep in mind the points pointed out in this post the next time you encounter someone who is going through a miscarriage and think about the examples of how you may feel at the end of each paragraph.
“At least it was early.” That comment goes hand in hand with the comment “That wasn’t really a baby yet.” Theseare comments that I have heard and it breaks my heart anytime I hear them spoken to me or anyone else. The verse I cling to when I hear these comments is Psalm 127:3. Psalm 127:3 says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward.”
To me, the phrase the “fruit of the womb is a reward” says a world of things. most importantly, it tells me that children are the fruit of the womb. In my opinion, if God recognizes a child as a child in the womb, then I do to. If this Bible verse doesn’t speak to you in the way it does to me, there is also this real life situation that I have used to explain to someone who told me that my baby wasn’t a baby or that “at least it was early.” At week 4, the cells of a baby are separated into groups in which the organs and skin will develop. At week 5, a brain, spinal cord, and blood vessels are forming. At week 6 a baby has a spine, arms and legs are forming, and branches in the lungs are starting to appear. A baby at this point also has a heartbeat that you can sometimes see on the ultrasound as a pulsating dot. At week 7 a baby’s brain is forming even more complexly, a face is forming, and the baby is beginning to move. At week 8 a baby has a complete eye structure, wrists, and ankles. I could go on, but I will stop here. Personally, I think that all of this goes to show that even so early in a pregnancy, all of these things are happening. There is a heartbeat, a brain, movement. I don’t understand how anyone can say that this is not a baby. When a couple announces they are pregnant, no matter how early, the people they tell are usually excited. They treat that pregnancy as if there is a human child, a live person, in the mothers womb. However, when a couple loses that child, many times they are met with the phrases that have previously been mentioned. Those comments are unkind and uncalled for. If a baby is a considered a baby before a miscarriage happens, then how come so much of society now considers that statement untrue if a couple loses their baby? I am not sure if it is because our society does not know what to say to a couple who has lost a baby so early or if it is because of the fact that the couple has nothing to show of their baby. Whatever the reason, our society should not think like this and should not say things so unkind to couples and women whom have lost a child. I know there will most likely be someone that reads this and doesn’t agree with what I am saying. You have the right to disagree with me, but even if you don’t agree, don’t say those comments to someone who has lost a child. Relate it to this: If you have a parent who is not a part of your life but you find out they pass away, you may feel sad because you no longer have that parent. They are gone. How would you feel if someone said to you that because you had not had a relationship with your parent you could not grieve their loss?
“You were too young to have a baby anyways.” This is yet another comment that I have heard but do not understand how someone can say this to another. I am 23 years old, my husband is 24 years old, married for 3 1/2 years, we pay our own bills, my husband and I do not live with family and we pay our own rent, we buy our own groceries. No one but me and my husband have the right to decide if we are too young to have a baby or not. This is one of those comments, people really should stick to the saying, “If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.” Ephesians 4:29 says something to the same effect, “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” If you have had this comment said to you, take the high road. Let them say what they want to say and just move on. Only you and your spouse know your situation as well as if you are at a point in your life where you should and can think about having a baby. If you are the person thinking about saying this to another, even if you have said it before, keep in mind that your situation at a certain age may be completely different from someone else today at a certain age.