It is month 28 of trying to conceive for us and this one has been a whirl wind. 28. Sounds like such a small number when you think of the age of a person but when you put that to how many months of trying to have a baby that have come and gone, that number might as well be 100, 1,000, or 1,000,000. This month hurt, I’m not going to lie. We have done the progesterone for two full cycles now and my cycle length has improved, but we still have several of problems. First, my cervical mucus did not improve this month. Secondly, there was abnormal bleeding throughout my cycle. Thirdly, I am that one in a million person with the leg cramps resulting from progesterone supplement and even though we lowered our dosage, they came back. The leg cramps were not as bad this month but they were there and extremely annoying.
My instructor for the Creighton method and I met just a couple of weeks ago and she said that we are at the point that we definitely need to talk to our doctor about mucus enhancers. All I could think of is seriously. I need to take something else for something that my body should automatically do on its own. Is that even going to work? Any of you ladies currently trying to conceive and having difficulties most likely know exactly what I felt. You feel betrayed by your body, you feel so many emotions both because this is an emotional situation and because the medicine’s can make our hormones out of whack, and because it is just plain unfair.
We do not go and see our doctor for another 1 1/2 weeks so we do not really know what the next step is. He had mentioned cervical enhancers as his next and what seemed to be final move for him but the concern is the side effect of those. Neurological symptoms can occur, such as leg cramps and since I have had a reaction with the progesterone, it may not be a smart option for me after all. It hurts. This month I thought we had a good shot. We did everything right, but my body refused to cooperate still.
I have also had a very difficult time coping this month with our loss of Riley. I know you should not think of it in this manner, but my husband and I should be finishing up a nursery and preparing to introduce our baby into the world. But we are not. I have had moments off and on since August where I am coping fairly well and then our loss hits me like a ton of bricks. This month has been a ton of bricks. I miss my Riley. I miss that brief but ever so wonderful feeling that my baby was safe inside of me and knowing that in a matter of months I would meet them face to face, in a matter of weeks I would hear their heart beat and see them. With mother’s day and father’s day approaching, I feel that emptiness again. If you have gone through a miscarriage or infant loss then you know you get those comments of “At least it happened early,” or “You will get over it in time.” Remember, those comments are being said to try and console you. Many times people do not see how we might read into those and be hurt. Also, while we will never get over the loss of little one (just as you never get over the loss of any loved one), the pain will get easier as you go. I felt ashamed for a few weeks with how upset I have been feeling and how hurt I am, but my mom said something that is so true- I am human. I am human and I am not perfect. That means I will feel grief, loneliness, emptiness, hurt, and anger. It is a natural process. The key is to not dwell in these emotions that I feel. I need to work my way through them. Something that I and my husband are currently trying to do.
Let’s look at Romans 8:28, a verse my mom sent me on a day where I was really struggling. “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” There will be days that we do not see a purpose for what we go through in our lives. Do not feel bad when this happens to do, as I previously said, we are human. Use this verse as a reminder that no matter how down you feel or how terrible the situation looks, there is a plan somewhere. Honestly, it is a good thing we do not know God’s plan for our lives. If we did, I feel we would worry about it constantly or not do things in life or go through things in life that we need to in order to get from point A to point B. Even today, I know He has a plan. I plan that I can’t begin to comprehend or understand, but it is one that benefits Him and will result in my life going exactly the way it needs to go. Right now, I need to focus on working through how I feel and leaning on God. I need to lean on Him to give me the courage, strength, peace, and hope that I need. I need to trust in His plan and the path that He has me on.