We are officially in our 29th month of this journey with infertility. That number feels so big, so intimidating. I have to keep reminding myself that it is just a number, everything will work out the way it is supposed to according God’s plan. I know that in my heart, but the selfish side of me loses patience at times. As I mentioned in my month 28 post, I have struggled the past few months. May is mother’s day but also the day my husband and I should have been bringing our Riley into this world. I have been hurting so bad but I am so thankful for my husband. Because he was by my side, I survived my first Mother’s Day without Riley. He knew I had been upset and he had a wonderful surprise for me. On Mother’s Day I got up to call my mom and wish her a happy Mother’s Day and to discuss plans for getting together that day. Ronnie had a note posted on the wall outside our bedroom that said, “Do not get up before me! If you do, wake me up and you go back to bed!” So, I went in there woke him up and he turned my gray’s anatomy on and told me he would be back. About ten minutes later, I start smelling bacon. Yummmmm! Another 10-15 mintues, he comes back with toast, orange juice, eggs, and bacon. It was so sweet and he didn’t stop there. He had the sweetest card for me and a charm for my Brighton charm bracelet. When I found out I was pregnant with Riley, I had run to the store and bought a little blue hippo baby toy and I had put the pregnancy test in ribbon around it. The charm Ronnie bought me was a hippo. I didn’t even know that they had a hippo charm. What made this charm even more special was that it had a banner on it that said strength. I just cried. I was sad that we did not have Riley there with us but I was so thankful that my husband didn’t forget me on a very difficult day. He choose to take the day and celebrate the fact that I am a mother and he is a father, our child was just taken from us much too soon. I am so thankful that he turned what was a very difficult day, into a day to remember Riley and all the love that we felt for someone we didn’t even get to meet. I am blessed to have the man I do as my husband.
As far treatment right now, we are on our second month of the HCG shots. Now, many women in my infertility group have done the HCG shots as a trigger shot (to induce ovulation) but my shots are being taken in a set of four AFTER ovulation. It appears that I am ovulating now, my mucus just is not good enough for us to conceive. In an effort to fix that, we are taking vitamin B6 and Mucinex. I know that probably sounds crazy to some of you, but Mucinex actually does help improve cervical mucus and in turn helps to achieve pregnancy. You just can’t get the DM. You have to get plan old regular Mucinex- no frills! The goal here is to improve my mucus, achieve pregnancy, then take four series of shots on certain cycle days past ovulation to basically jump-start my body into making it’s own progesterone because I still am not producing progesterone as I need to. Progesterone is key because that is what will help me to continue a pregnancy and hopefully to not miscarry again. I also am still doing the Creighton method of tracking which I do feel is much much much more accurate than the charting that I was previously doing through Ovia app and paper charts. If you can find a doctor in your area who will work with this program, I do recommend it. This method makes it to where you can understand exactly what is going on in your body better and I feel I am much more observant to the changes in my body month to month in relation to how various treatment options are working.
As I mentioned last month, we can’t take pregnancy tests right now, we can only know if we are pregnant by going to the doctor and them doing a certain kind of test. The reasoning, again, is because I am taking shots of HCG which is the pregnancy chemical that pregnancy tests look for. Whether I am pregnant or not, being on that shot makes it to where I will get a positive either way. We do not go back to the doctor until June 6 and at that point we will see where we stand and start our next round of the HCG shots.
In my infertility group, there have been several posts from women just in this last week whom have suffered miscarriages. Going through a miscarriage is an unbelievably difficult and confusing thing to go through. I have a few posts under Our Journey with Infertility that address emotions and things that people may say to you. I talk about how my husband and I got through some of the emotions we felt and how we dealt with so many aspects of going through a miscarriage. It may or may not help you to read these but I personally found that reading other’s experiences helped me to realize that I wasn’t crazy for feeling the way I did and still sometimes do. I pray daily for anyone who is experiencing this pain and I am praying for you ladies. I do have a page with Bible verses that I refer to when thinking about my own miscarriage and infertility. The link is here.
I think Isaiah 66:9 is a good verse for those going through a miscarriage, “I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born says the Lord.” We don’t know God’s plan for our lives. Some are meant to have children with no problem, some are meant to struggle, some are meant to adopt, and some are meant to foster. None of us have the same plan. What I have to remind myself is that losing Riley was God’s plan. Meaning He has a purpose for that loss and Riley is in a better place. He has a reason for allowing my husband and I to go through this difficult journey and I know that what he has in store for me is worth the wait, even though it’s a difficult wait at times. “something new” will be born. I don’t know if that means by us getting pregnant again, by us adopting, or by us not ever being able to have children, but I know His plan is for the benefit of Him and the best course for my life. That’s something that can be hard to accept at times and I will soon be posting about how I am trying to deal with knowing that I may not be able to get pregnant again. I will post again when I have an update as to any changes with Month 29 or if we don’t become pregnant this cycle, another post will be available for Month 30. Baby dust to you ladies!