Today is a difficult day. My husband and I have spent 3 years and 2 months trying to conceive, trying to start a family of our own. In that time, we have had two miscarriages. Our last miscarriage was on July 7, 2017. It was something we had been told by doctors to expect two weeks before it actually happened, but knowing made it just a bit more difficult than not knowing. We knew the signs, we knew what was happening, but we hoped and prayed that they were wrong. Today is the day we should have brought our baby home. Today, February 17, 2018, was our due date.
I think I can speak for all women who have endured a miscarriage, at any stage, and say that you can’t forget the little dates; they are always in your mind- the day you found out you were pregnant, the day you found out you were going to miscarry, the day you miscarried, and one of the most difficult, your due date. Today, I am filled with so many emotions and cannot help but wonder- what would our lives be like today if our angel baby was with us today? What would our baby have been like? What would he or she have looked like? They are questions I try not to dwell on but on a day like today, I cannot stop them from coming to mind.
I have spent seven long months doing my very best to not be bitter and to pick myself up every time I feel like I am falling apart. I still, seven months later, have moments where I cry instantly and with no warning, I still have moments where I feel angry that this happened, I have moments where I wonder if there was anything at all that could have been done differently- I also have moments where I feel relief because I will one day see my babies, I am thankful that even through something so devastating, doctors were able to find out some very important problems with my body that will affect future pregnancies, I am thankful for a husband who does not blame me, a husband who is with me when I am down. I am thankful for those moments where I was pregnant and did feel the changes happening and having that feeling I had knowing there was a life inside of me. I am thankful for an understanding family and support group.
I do believe that everything happens as it should- God has a plan for my life. While that path He has laid out for me these past few years has been a difficult one, I know He has been here every step of the way- even when I pushed Him away. I will not lie and say that I never felt anger towards Him through all this. I will not lie and say that I have been strong through this every day and every moment. I can honestly say, however, that I am trying to heal. I am trying to move forward and remember what I have gone through with love- with the love that I felt for my babies the moment I found out I was pregnant and the love I still feel for them both, even as they are gone. Even in the rain, I plan on going to the memorial wall today, it brings me some comfort having a place to go. I am thankful to my husband for suggesting that we add our angel babies names to that wall. This entire week has been difficult and today is no different. I ask for prayers for myself and my husband as we go through today.