Loss and Therapy

Since I have written here, I have experienced two more losses. Writing was always therapeutic for me before and I want to do this again. This blog has helped me to HEAL in so many ways and helped so many others.

My most recent loss was February 27, 2020 and I was blindsided. This loss has been so much more difficult as we had genetic testing on the baby done, found out the gender of this little angel. I won’t lie, I am working through my emotions. I am angry at God, I am hurt, heartbroken, and longing for my angel in my arms.

Stay tuned for my first post soon.

Our Due Date

Today is a difficult day. My husband and I have spent 3 years and 2 months trying to conceive, trying to start a family of our own. In that time, we have had two miscarriages. Our last miscarriage was on July 7, 2017. It was something we had been told by doctors to expect two weeks before it actually happened, but knowing made it just a bit more difficult than not knowing. We knew the signs, we knew what was happening, but we hoped and prayed that they were wrong. Today is the day we should have brought our baby home. Today, February 17, 2018, was our due date.

I think I can speak for all women who have endured a miscarriage, at any stage, and say that you can’t forget the little dates; they are always in your mind- the day you found out you were pregnant, the day you found out you were going to miscarry, the day you miscarried, and one of the most difficult, your due date. Today, I am filled with so many emotions and cannot help but wonder- what would our lives be like today if our angel baby was with us today? What would our baby have been like? What would he or she have looked like? They are questions I try not to dwell on but on a day like today, I cannot stop them from coming to mind.

I have spent seven long months doing my very best to not be bitter and to pick myself up every time I feel like I am falling apart. I still, seven months later, have moments where I cry instantly and with no warning, I still have moments where I feel angry that this happened, I have moments where I wonder if there was anything at all that could have been done differently- I also have moments where I feel relief because I will one day see my babies, I am thankful that even through something so devastating, doctors were able to find out some very important problems with my body that will affect future pregnancies, I am thankful for a husband who does not blame me, a husband who is with me when I am down.  I am thankful for those moments where I was pregnant and did feel the changes happening and having that feeling I had knowing there was a life inside of me. I am thankful for an understanding family and support group.

I do believe that everything happens as it should- God has a plan for my life. While that path He has laid out for me these past few years has been a difficult one, I know He has been here every step of the way- even when I pushed Him away. I will not lie and say that I never felt anger towards Him through all this. I will not lie and say that I have been strong through this every day and every moment. I can honestly say, however, that I am trying to heal. I am trying to move forward and remember what I have gone through with love- with the love that I felt for my babies the moment I found out I was pregnant and the love I still feel for them both, even as they are gone. Even in the rain, I plan on going to the memorial wall today, it brings me some comfort having a place to go. I am thankful to my husband for suggesting that we add our angel babies names to that wall. This entire week has been difficult and today is no different. I ask for prayers for myself and my husband as we go through today.

“Though we never held you,

Though we never saw you,

Though we never kissed you,

We will always love you”

Post Announcement: Letting go of the anger

Today’s post details a little of where we are right now with this journey of infertility and since our last miscarriage in July. A big part of this post is about deciding to let go of a lot of the anger I have held and noticing a major difference this last month. I have started feeling hope again, something that I haven’t felt very much these last few months.  Also, it is pregnancy and infant loss month. I am thankful for all of the women who have helped me along this journey thus far and I pray that all women going through a miscarriage will seek to help others going through the same difficult situations. I pray for anyone going through a miscarriage right now and always remember that you aren’t alone. Click here to view full post 

Post Announcement: Memorial with Riley and Oakley

Today’s post is a picture of the wall where Riley and Oakley’s names now are and how that has helped me to cope and grieve as well as how I have found a little bit of hope again this past month. Click here for the entire post or go to my blog in any internet browser, select Our Journey with Infertility, Memorial with Riley and Oakley.

 

Post Announcement: Betrayed By My Body- Feelings After a Miscarriage

Today’s post is about how after both of my miscarriages, I felt like my body betrayed me. To view the post in it’s entirety, click here or you can go to sharemygod.wordpress.com and then select menu option Our Journey with Infertility, Losing Oakley, Betrayed by My Body. A brief excerpt from the full post: “With the loss of Riley,  I felt as though I was betrayed by my body and I felt straight up anger.  I was angry because I felt as though I could not do a basic action that as a woman I am designed for.  It took a few months of drowning in that anger before I started to realize that while my body betrayed me,  this was a start.  Riley gave me hope.  Hope that one day I would concieve again but would have enough knowledge with what was wrong with my body to prevent another loss.  My body betrayed me,  but it also gave me a blessing,  Riley.  Those short few days filled mine and my husband’s heart with so much love.  A love for someone I have not met yet,  but will be reunited with one day and a baby that I think about regularly.”

Post Announcement: Post Miscarriage: Diagosis of MTHFR

Today’s post is about the newest diagnosis that we received after our loss of Oakley. This new diagnosis will hopefully be the last diagnosis and be the missing piece of our infertility puzzle.  To view the post in it’s entirety, click here. You can also go to sharemygod.wordpress.com, select the menu option Our Journey with Infertility, Losing Oakley, and Post Miscarriage: Diagnosis.

Post Announcement: Choosing to Name Your Baby After A Miscarriage

Today’s post addresses the choice to name a baby after a miscarriage. It is something that people feel differently about. Personally, it brings me to peace to have my baby have a name and it is something I was encouraged by other women who had experienced loss. To view the post in it’s entirety, click here or go to sharemygod.wordpress.com , select Our Journey With Infertilty, Losing Oakley, and finally Naming Your Baby After a Miscarriage.

Post Announcement: Comfort After a Miscarriage: Psalm 56: 8 & Proverbs 3: 5-8

Today is shaping up to being a difficult day.  I received an email that reminded me i should be in my second trimester of pregnancy right now.  Psalm 56: 8, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.” (NLT).  Click here to view the post in it’s entirety. Here is an excerpt from today’s post. “Right now I should have a baby in my arms and I should be in my 15th week of pregnancy with Oakley. Some days, today being one of those, these losses feel like my goliath. They feel like something I can’t get past no matter how hard I try. On some days, I feel like I have cried so many tears that there is no way I have any left.  I have cried over a loss that happened unexpectedly. I have cried over a loss that I was told would happen. I have cried because someone kindly asks the question, “do you have children.” I have cried because I feel as though my body betrayed me. I have cried from loneliness. I have cried  tears of anger. I have cried tears from sheer grief. I have cried from walking into a room that was going to be a nursery. I have cried visualizing the children I will never meet while I am on Earth.  I have cried, and I have had many tears fall.”

One Year Later- Loss of Riley

A brief exerpt from today’s post: “This past year, there have been days of absolute grief. There have been days where thinking about our loss makes it difficult to get out of bed. There have been days where I was angry at God for taking my baby away. There have been days where I was encouraged by other women going through the same day. There have been days where I felt nothing but pure joy at those few days I had with nothing but pure joy at the knowledge that I was finally pregnant.”. To read today’s post in its entirety, please click here.

News of an Impending Miscarriage

Today’s post is a very difficult one for me to make. I actually spent three days writing it. This post gives some information as to how we discovered that I would lose our rainbow baby as well as some of the emotions that we felt. To read the full post, click here.  One thing that helped me was a facebook group I am part of. When I made a post with my news in that group, so many women shared their experiences and shared many kind words and advice. While going through a miscarriage is a very difficult thing, and one I have experienced, this time was different. We found out that we were going to miscarry before we actually did and I do not know what I would have done without some of the women in my group reassuring me that what I was feeling was normal.